Personally, I can think of nothing worse than ending up as a 105 year old virgin. Clara Meadmore, now from Cornwall in the UK, says it doesn’t bother her. She attributes her long life and good health to total sexual abstinence.
I’ve always had lots of platonic friendships with men but never felt the need to go further than that or marry…….. I imagine there is a lot of hassle involved and I have always been busy doing other things.”
It never ceases to amaze me how fixated journalists are with demanding from the aged the secret of their longevity. Unsurprisingly, these secrets are always unique to the individual.
Take the case of Buster Martin. Admittedly, he’s only 101, (some of the meaner broadsheets have suggested he’s only 94) but this year he completed the London marathon. Okay, so it took him ten hours. That’s because he stopped at every pub along the route for a quick beer. Rumor has it Buster sired seventeen children, and his secret of longevity is drinking ten pints of beer a day and smoking at least twenty cigarettes.
I have to admit to having more in common with Buster than Clara. While the cigarettes have been a definite no-no for twenty years now, beer and sex are two facets of life that definitely make our sojourn on this planet more enjoyable. Ever since the tender age of thirteen, when the horrifying thought of dying a virgin seemed an imminent probability, sex has remained an important part of life.
Fortunately, thanks to the favors of the delectable twelve year old, Muriel Whittington, a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale, and the sixteenth tee of the Royal Liverpool Golf Course, fears of losing my life before jettisoning my cherry proved unfounded. Fifty years later, I am still profoundly grateful to Muriel.
(Yes, that is the same golf course where Tiger Woods won the Open Championship in 2006.)
Frankly, it’s always been something of a mystery why sex is treated as distinctly taboo by many religions. Is it, perhaps, that gods, having no physical form and unable to enjoy the carnal pleasures, are hellbent on ensuring we humans suffer similarly? If so, they failed totally with me.
Of course, the cold and religious will insist I’m bound for “where the worms die not, and the fire is not quenched”. That doesn’t bother me too much, as at least it’ll be well away from them.
Besides, it’s quite likely I’ll run into Muriel Whittington again, and it’ll certainly be warmer than the sixteenth hole of the Royal Liverpool.
I just hope there’s some way to cool the Newcastle Brown.
 “105-year-old virgin says no sex the key to long life” Daily Telegraph, October 9th 2008
 “Man, 101, to run London Marathon” BBC, March 3rd 2008
 “Marathon man, ‘Buster’ Martin, may be up to some old tricks” TimesOnLine, April 14th 2008
Filed under: Cherry picking