Lost On The Sixteenth Tee

Personally, I can think of nothing worse than ending up as a 105 year old virgin. Clara Meadmore, now from Cornwall in the UK, says it doesn’t bother her. She attributes her long life and good health to total sexual abstinence.[1]

I’ve always had lots of platonic friendships with men but never felt the need to go further than that or marry…….. I imagine there is a lot of hassle involved and I have always been busy doing other things.”

It never ceases to amaze me how fixated journalists are with demanding from the aged the secret of their longevity. Unsurprisingly, these secrets are always unique to the individual.

Take the case of Buster Martin.[2] Admittedly, he’s only 101, (some of the meaner broadsheets have suggested he’s only 94[3]) but this year he completed the London marathon. Okay, so it took him ten hours. That’s because he stopped at every pub along the route for a quick beer. Rumor has it Buster sired seventeen children, and his secret of longevity is drinking ten pints of beer a day and smoking at least twenty cigarettes.

I have to admit to having more in common with Buster than Clara. While the cigarettes have been a definite no-no for twenty years now, beer and sex are two facets of life that definitely make our sojourn on this planet more enjoyable. Ever since the tender age of thirteen, when the horrifying thought of dying a virgin seemed an imminent probability, sex has remained an important part of life.

Fortunately, thanks to the favors of the delectable twelve year old, Muriel Whittington, a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale, and the sixteenth tee of the Royal Liverpool Golf Course, fears of losing my life before jettisoning my cherry proved unfounded. Fifty years later, I am still profoundly grateful to Muriel.

(Yes, that is the same golf course where Tiger Woods won the Open Championship in 2006.)

Frankly, it’s always been something of a mystery why sex is treated as distinctly taboo by many religions. Is it, perhaps, that gods, having no physical form and unable to enjoy the carnal pleasures, are hellbent on ensuring we humans suffer similarly? If so, they failed totally with me.

Of course, the cold and religious will insist I’m bound for “where the worms die not, and the fire is not quenched”. That doesn’t bother me too much, as at least it’ll be well away from them.

Besides, it’s quite likely I’ll run into Muriel Whittington again, and it’ll certainly be warmer than the sixteenth hole of the Royal Liverpool.

I just hope there’s some way to cool the Newcastle Brown.

[1] “105-year-old virgin says no sex the key to long life” Daily Telegraph, October 9th 2008

[2] “Man, 101, to run London Marathon” BBC, March 3rd 2008

[3] “Marathon man, ‘Buster’ Martin, may be up to some old tricks” TimesOnLine, April 14th 2008

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9 Replies to “Lost On The Sixteenth Tee”

  1. Just came across your site. good work. I’ve often laughed at these kind of stories myself. Usually iN Ireland centenerians usually put their ‘secret’ to a long life down to their daily glass of whisky and or guinness! each to their own I suppose..

  2. They say you are not a writer until your mom and dad want to die from embarrassment = or in this case, Muriel.

    It would be great if 75 percent of the population would agree with Clara. God knows we have way to many people reproducing.

  3. It always struck me as odd that sex is something boys brag about and girls regard with shame. I suppose a lot might be religious teachings that girls are inferior and dirty (every religion teaches this I think). Even Martin Luther declared, “Girls begin to talk and stand on their own sooner than boys because weeds always grow up more quickly than good crops.”

    I think it is a male plot to keep girls silent because they would warn others how inept and selfish most guys are and then the free supply would dry up. I think that is the fascination with virgins – because then they can brag that he was the best sex she ever had. Clara is smarter than most women.

  4. When I was 17 “seduced” by a local librarian at least 10 years my senior. I don’t know whether or not she ‘bragged’ about it or not, but admit that I did.

    In fact, come to think of it, I suppose I still am, eh.

  5. These male reminiscences immediately bring to mind Frank Sinatra singing:

    When I was seventeen
    It was a very good year
    It was a very good year for small town girls
    And soft summer nights
    Wed hide from the lights
    On the village green
    When I was seventeen

    It’s almost, but not quite, too much information guys, glad you stopped short of further detail 😉

  6. Interesting, RJA, another blogger I visit just posted on the very same thing.
    This ancient virgin, never having experienced sex, pronounces on its efficacy or lack of?
    But to me, there is a huge difference between ‘sex’ and ‘sexual intimacy’. Huge.
    We’ve all had the former, but the latter? Not as much as we’d like, I’d bet.

  7. Declan – welcome to Sparrow Chat. I hope you’ll visit often.

    Flimsy – from my recollection, I doubt Muriel knew the meaning of the word ’embarrassment’. She was no virgin, even when I was.

    When Clara was of child-bearing age there was little in the way of contraception, of course, and for many women the fruit of sexual activity was not pleasure, but having babies. Sufficient, I imagine, to curb the most healthy of sexual appetites.

    All that had changed by the time our generation came of age. In fact, some of the research on the ‘pill’ was done at Liverpool University in the UK, on animals I was responsible for as a technician.

    Today, there is no reason – other than religious indoctrination – why women and men should not enjoy the freedoms provided by this science. Unfortunately, old doctrines leave their mark, and new ones keep adding more, so females are still being whipped into guilt by the modern day Luthers.

    In the 21st century, abstinence is no more than a Christian dogma.

    I’m not advocating the ‘free love’ ideals of the 1960’s, but expecting a woman to remain virginal until marriage, while the men sow their wild oats, is hardly equality.

    TOB – at your age it doesn’t do to get too excited! 🙁

    Twilight – this was a post solely concerning the secrets of longevity. It’s not my fault if my commentators turn it into pornography 😉

    Incidentally, I always hated that song.

    WWW – Oh, I think there’s room for both in life. Nothing’s sweeter than the pure romance of physical lovemaking with a soulmate, but let’s not condemn the sheer hormonal raunchiness of a night of unbridled passion, when the attraction is not necessarily more than erotically physical.

    Provided, of course, the soulmate is not waiting back home.

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