Okay, so I finally watched “The Debate”. It was a trial, but I forced myself to sit through a full re-run. Actually, in places it wasn’t too bad. Well, the Joe Biden places, that is. What a cure for insomnia that guy is. He should be bottled and marketed by Pfizer. Sadly, my somnolence was disturbed every ninety seconds or so by a shriek reminiscent of an Alaskan albatross as it’s ripped apart by a hungry Grizzly Bear up on the Etivluk River.
(If you don’t know where the Etivluk River is, ask Sarah Palin. In true Romulus and Remus style, she was probably raised up on the Etivluk River, by the same Grizzly Bear as just dissected the albatross).
Obviously, Sarah Palin first learned to talk from hearing the screams of ravaged seabirds. Nothing else would account for that high-pitched, tremulous quaver, with the capacity to shatter glass at twenty moose paces. It truly wasn’t that Joe Biden was boring, it just took ninety seconds or so to recover from the ear-drum numbing squeals Ms Palin extruded, reducing Joe to an almost indiscernible whisper, until another ninety seconds of recovery time left one unprepared for a further onslaught of albatross throttling.
It’s rumored there are men who find this woman attractive? Only in the Northern Anchorage Christian Fundamentalist Welfare Home for the Congenitally Deaf. And then, only those without ear-trumpets.
Having spent ninety minutes of consecutive slumber, interspersed by intermittent nerve-shattering wakefulness, I reached the conclusion that Sarah Palin had one vital qualification that made her the only possible candidate for the post of Vice President. While there were obvious drawbacks: the inexperience; her insistence on calling certain Middle Eastern nations Eye-ran, and Eye-rak, and pronouncing “nucular” in true George W Bush tradition, nevertheless she did posses one quality essential to the future security of the United States and its allies.
For years, the Pentagon has struggled, spent billions of dollars, to perfect an anti-missile missile capability. It has failed. The answer to their problem lies with Sarah Palin. Never mind that she’s rubbish at foreign policy. Forget the simplistic Christian fundamentalist ideals. Sarah Palin is, without doubt, the finest missile defense system this nation could ever procure.
Ms Palin’s voice, amplified a thousand times, concentrated into a narrow beam of sound, and projected into the path of incoming missiles, would reduce them to harmless atomic particles within microseconds.
The nation must decide. But, frankly, there seems no way we can do without her.
Filed under: Nucular deterrent