Sarah Palin: Sparrow Chat’s Choice For Vice President

Okay, so I finally watched “The Debate”. It was a trial, but I forced myself to sit through a full re-run. Actually, in places it wasn’t too bad. Well, the Joe Biden places, that is. What a cure for insomnia that guy is. He should be bottled and marketed by Pfizer. Sadly, my somnolence was disturbed every ninety seconds or so by a shriek reminiscent of an Alaskan albatross as it’s ripped apart by a hungry Grizzly Bear up on the Etivluk River.

(If you don’t know where the Etivluk River is, ask Sarah Palin. In true Romulus and Remus style, she was probably raised up on the Etivluk River, by the same Grizzly Bear as just dissected the albatross).

Obviously, Sarah Palin first learned to talk from hearing the screams of ravaged seabirds. Nothing else would account for that high-pitched, tremulous quaver, with the capacity to shatter glass at twenty moose paces. It truly wasn’t that Joe Biden was boring, it just took ninety seconds or so to recover from the ear-drum numbing squeals Ms Palin extruded, reducing Joe to an almost indiscernible whisper, until another ninety seconds of recovery time left one unprepared for a further onslaught of albatross throttling.

It’s rumored there are men who find this woman attractive? Only in the Northern Anchorage Christian Fundamentalist Welfare Home for the Congenitally Deaf. And then, only those without ear-trumpets.

Having spent ninety minutes of consecutive slumber, interspersed by intermittent nerve-shattering wakefulness, I reached the conclusion that Sarah Palin had one vital qualification that made her the only possible candidate for the post of Vice President. While there were obvious drawbacks: the inexperience; her insistence on calling certain Middle Eastern nations Eye-ran, and Eye-rak, and pronouncing “nucular” in true George W Bush tradition, nevertheless she did posses one quality essential to the future security of the United States and its allies.

For years, the Pentagon has struggled, spent billions of dollars, to perfect an anti-missile missile capability. It has failed. The answer to their problem lies with Sarah Palin. Never mind that she’s rubbish at foreign policy. Forget the simplistic Christian fundamentalist ideals. Sarah Palin is, without doubt, the finest missile defense system this nation could ever procure.

Ms Palin’s voice, amplified a thousand times, concentrated into a narrow beam of sound, and projected into the path of incoming missiles, would reduce them to harmless atomic particles within microseconds.

The nation must decide. But, frankly, there seems no way we can do without her.

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4 Replies to “Sarah Palin: Sparrow Chat’s Choice For Vice President”

  1. Everyone loses interest now and then
    Sometimes the mind can play tricks
    But she’ll teach us how to focus in the now
    America needs a dominatrix

    America’s been arrogant way too long
    Prayer is more sincere on your knees
    America yearns for specific instructions
    And someone demanding to please

    Empires go down like Rome went down
    And some turn into The Matrix
    But our reign won’t stop with her on top
    America needs a dominatrix

    America needs to drill for oil
    And swallow what’s left of the Earth
    Wolves and bear? Shoot em from the air
    Sex education? Just give birth

    Science moms dig evolution
    Hockey moms dig hat tricks
    We can still win all it takes is discipline
    America needs a dominatrix

    Fred Gardner

  2. Love it, RJ! Thanks for the laughs.
    Flimsy Sanity’s contribution adds to the therapy 🙂

    “You have to laugh, or you’d cry” ,as my Grandma used to tell me.

    I’m about to link to yours at the end of my today’s post – in order to spread the laughter therapy ! 🙂

  3. Flimsy -you’ve really got to stop reading “Counterpunch” 😉

    Twilight – thanks for the plug. My grandma used to say that, too.

    Flimsy – wow! You do ask some complex questions. I’ll try to be brief:

    Frankly, I don’t give a damn how many Taliban get killed by whoever cares to take them out, whether it be Pakistani troops or US drones. Anyone in this world who uses violence to impose their will on innocents, and dies as a result, gets what they deserve. Pakistan is a US ‘ally’, and consequently should not complain too much about US infraction of its territory, but America’s continual slaughtering of innocents in the process is at best unacceptable; at worst, a war crime. The result drives many towards sympathy with the Taliban, boosting their recruitment, particularly among young males.
    Pakistan is a nation out of control. It is infinitely more of a problem to the world than Iran. It has a fairly large stockpile of nuclear weapons and claims by the Pakistani government that they are ‘safe’, cannot be taken as gospel.
    Only today the Brit’s commander in Helmund Province, Brigadier Mark Carleton-Smith, said the war in Afghanistan cannot be won outright. The best we can achieve is to contain it. He’s right, but that won’t satisfy the Americans, who must always have a “victory”. It is this lust to win outright that keeps them pushing into Waziristan after the Taliban. There is probably a political motive also. Bush would dearly love bin Laden’s head on a silver platter as a going away present. Waziristan is where he is supposed to be hiding.
    Even that is doubtful. Before she was assassinated, Benezir Bhutto let slip that bin Laden had been murdered in a power coup, and was buried in an unmarked grave up in the mountains of northern Pakistan. If that is so, he has already cheated America of its greatest moment of revenge.

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