Are you one of those people who can’t wait for the latest upgrade to smartphone or tablet or, God forbid, Windows 10? Do you simple love that moment when everything changes, the button icon that was there just one minute ago disappears, your folders are all in the wrong place, the three page email you were writing to Auntie Maisie turns to gobbledygook, your wi-fi no longer works and, lo and behold, there’s that loving message from Microsoft, Android, Apple, or Google, saying:
“WE HOPE YOU ENJOY OUR LATEST UPGRADE TO YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM. IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS OUR TRAINED TECHNICIANS WILL SOON REMEDY THEM FOR YOU. DO BE SURE TO USE THIS LINK.”
What link?…it must be here somewhere…nope, no bloody link…typical!
Eventually, via Google search and umpteen useless ‘this is how you fix it’ websites you arrive at your operator’s HELP page and the ‘trained technician’, watching porn on his phone while you laboriously type out your list of woes, pauses just long enough to select a random set of useless instructions from a long list on his screen and pastes them into his ‘chat’ response:
- Open registry entry B612397VW68J463AAA
- Go to “Hardware, ACPI, SSD4, AMD, AmdTable, 0000000001.”
- Delete “00000000001”
- Replace with “IAMATOTALSMEGHEAD”
- ‘X’ out of registry and wait for your screen to go a pretty shade of blue – this is known by the nerdy acronym BSOD, or to twits like you, the ‘Blue Screen Of Death’.
- Go to your local electrical store and buy a new computer.
- We are here to help you. Have a good day!
Take WordPress, for example. Well, actually, I’d rather not take WordPress anywhere but sadly I’m stuck with it. WordPress just loves to send you chatty little emails telling you it’s updated your website to the latest version: WP546000.2.6.3, or similar.
Thanks, guys, but why? It was fine before. It worked splendidly as version WP546000.2.6.2. Well, at least it did once I’d laboriously removed all the clutter that basically constituted what you called your update. It only took three days, and of course I had bugger-all to do with my time anyway.
Nowhere in life is the old adage, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” more systematically ignored than in the tech industry. Something in the weirdly wired brains of these ‘techies’ keeps forcing them to believe we can’t exist unless they constantly shower us with new, half-finished, updates that bugger up our devices, while providing no assistance in putting right their continuous cock-ups.
Indeed, in order to avoid the barrage of complaints and screams for mercy from harassed phone, tablet, and computer customers, many of the tech firms are doing away with customer service entirely. Oh, for sure, you may get a totally useless list of ‘Frequently Asked Questions’ that leaves one wondering just how many morons there must be in the world demanding answers to such simplistic rubbish:
- How do I turn on my computer?
- How often do I have to feed my mouse?
- Can I use my new Motorola smartphone to call my friends?
- Do I need a key to open my laptop?
- My new keyboard is faulty. The keys are not in alphabetical order. Can I take them out and move them into the right holes?
- …and so on ad infinitum!
But then you realise there’s no way to actually ASK a question. So how do the morons manage to do so in the first place? Or, perhaps our morons are really the techies, themselves providing the questions as a means to frustrate us and drive us on to the next great techie idea – the forum!
“If you don’t find the answer to your problem from our page of helpful ‘Frequently Asked Questions’, don’t hesitate to visit our own, ‘Ask Your Mate If He Knows The Answer Forum,’ where you’ll find thousands of experts to assist you in solving your problem with our software.”
“Hi, my name’s George and I have a problem with the latest update of Doors 672. Can anyone help me?”
“Sorry, mate! There’re two thousand three hundred and seventy-four members on ‘ere – oops, sorry, that’s two thousand three hundred and seventy five – just joined ‘ave yer? We’re all looking for the answer too.
Ave yer tried their ‘Frequently Asked Questions’?”
“Yeh, fucking morons!”