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Personally, I can think of nothing worse than ending up as a 105 year old virgin. Clara Meadmore, now from Cornwall in the UK, says it doesn’t bother her. She attributes her long life and good health to total sexual abstinence.^[1]

I’ve always had lots of platonic friendships with men but never felt the need to go further than that or marry…….. I imagine there is a lot of hassle involved and I have always been busy doing other things.”

It never ceases to amaze me how fixated journalists are with demanding from the aged the secret of their longevity. Unsurprisingly, these secrets are always unique to the individual.

Take the case of Buster Martin.^[2] Admittedly, he’s only 101, (some of the meaner broadsheets have suggested he’s only 94^[3]) but this year he completed the London marathon. Okay, so it took him ten hours. That’s because he stopped at every pub along the route for a quick beer. Rumor has it Buster sired seventeen children, and his secret of longevity is drinking ten pints of beer a day and smoking at least twenty cigarettes.

I have to admit to having more in common with Buster than Clara. While the cigarettes have been a definite no-no for twenty years now, beer and sex are two facets of life that definitely make our sojourn on this planet more enjoyable. Ever since the tender age of thirteen, when the horrifying thought of dying a virgin seemed an imminent probability, sex has remained an important part of life.

Fortunately, thanks to the favors of the delectable twelve year old, Muriel Whittington, a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale, and the sixteenth tee of the Royal Liverpool Golf Course, fears of losing my life before jettisoning my cherry proved unfounded. Fifty years later, I am still profoundly grateful to Muriel.

(Yes, that is the same golf course where Tiger Woods won the Open Championship in 2006.)

Frankly, it’s always been something of a mystery why sex is treated as distinctly taboo by many religions. Is it, perhaps, that gods, having no physical form and unable to enjoy the carnal pleasures, are hellbent on ensuring we humans suffer similarly? If so, they failed totally with me.

Of course, the cold and religious will insist I’m bound for “where the worms die not, and the fire is not quenched”. That doesn’t bother me too much, as at least it’ll be well away from them.

Besides, it’s quite likely I’ll run into Muriel Whittington again, and it’ll certainly be warmer than the sixteenth hole of the Royal Liverpool.

I just hope there’s some way to cool the Newcastle Brown.

^{[1] “105-year-old virgin says no sex the key to long life” Daily Telegraph, October 9th 2008}

^{[2] “Man, 101, to run London Marathon” BBC, March 3rd 2008}

^{[3] “Marathon man, ‘Buster’ Martin, may be up to some old tricks” TimesOnLine, April 14th 2008}

Filed under: Cherry picking

“American Renaissance” is not my idea of a relaxing read, and neither is it a regular at my inbox, but while researching the previous post on the late, unlamented, Jorg Haider, I came across this titbit further down the page:

…..further north in Kano, [Nigeria] there are fewer Christians and less violence, but health authorities have a different problem. The latest drug craze is to get high on lizard dung, either by smoking or drinking it. “Since I discovered the use of lizard dung I have found peace,” says 28-year-old Ado Kabir of Kano. “I no longer have to spend much money on drugs since I discovered the efficacy of lizard excrement,” he adds. According to Mr. Kabir, there are many ways to take the drug. One of the most popular is to mix it with water and blue laundry detergent, and drink it. “It produces a strong effect similar to the effect of drinking strong whisky to excess on a hot day,” says the articulate Mr. Kabir. The droppings can be dried and then smoked with tobacco, marijuana, or heroin. The effect, says, Mr. Kabir, is “exhilarating.””^[1]

It sounds great fun, though perhaps the blue laundry detergent adds a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’?

Sadly Mr. Kabir fails to clarify his favorite brand – of either laundry detergent, or lizard.

^{[1] “The Old Nigeria” American Renaissance, January 2003.}

Filed under: Smoking shit

The name Jorg Haider probably means very little to most Americans. In Europe, it may well bring a chill to many. The report of his death in a car crash earlier today, at the age of 58, will have few in the western world mourning unduly.

Born of Nazi parents, he grew up cherishing the ideals of the Nazi party even though membership was banished in his native Austria after WW2.

His policies were ultra right-wing. He became chairman of the Austrian Freedom Party (FPO) in 1986 and under his leadership the party’s share of the vote rose from around 5% in the late 1980’s to 27% by 1999.

Then a split occurred in the FPO and Haider left to form his own party, the Alliance for the Future of Austria, or BZO. It effectively split the right-wing vote, leaving both the BZO and FPO to struggle in the polls.

Haider was undoubtedly a Nazi sympathizer. He openly praised Hitler’s employment policies, described the concentration camps as “punishment camps”, and the Nazi SS as, “a part of the Wehrmacht (German military) and hence it deserves all the honour and respect of the army in public life.”

His premature death may be welcomed by many, but the sudden removal of his leadership and charisma may well cause the two ultra-right parties to coalesce once more, and that could cause serious problems for Austrian politics.

Filed under: Diseased politics