Deader Than Your Cellphone

Have you ever thought about dying? No, really, it’s not that I don’t like you, but we do tend to shy away from dwelling on the inevitable, ignoring the fact that it’s practical to make early arrangements for when one’s demise eventually transpires, and much easier for our loved ones to cope with.

Of course, if our relatives do make any mistakes with the funeral arrangements, they can always give us a call afterward to sort it out.

Now, if that last paragraph leaves you scratching your head in confusion you’re obviously not part of the techno-savvy generation, who are quick to ensure their cellphone is well charged and in their best suit pocket prior to the earthy sod being finally placed over them.

It’s all in an article by Diane Mapes on MSNBC.Com yesterday, entitled, “Bury me with my cell phone,” – along with a brilliant cartoon by Duane Hoffman.[1] Apparently, more and more people are insisting on taking their cellphone with them on their final journey into the Great Beyond.

It’s not that folks still harbor the old fear of being buried alive, it’s more along the lines of the ancient Egyptians or Vikings, who had their most precious possessions buried with them. Nowadays, of course, it’s not considered seemly to demand the wife, or mistress, be interred along with hubby, and they’d probably object, so I suppose a cellphone is the next best thing.

Funeral directors are keen to point out this is only an option for burials. Cremations and cellphones don’t mix. The batteries have a habit of exploding in the furnace and, well, it can make a terrible mess. They’ll happily drop the phone into the urn, once the ashes have cooled, for a small additional fee.

There is, of course, the question of pollution to be considered. Modern electronic gadgetry is not renowned for its greenness. Phones contain all sorts of nasty chemicals and heavy metals that would wreak havoc on the environment if we all insisted on taking our iPhones on that final journey.

And who’s to say it would stop there? I’d quite like my laptop, and there’s always one idiot who’ll insist he’s just not going if he can’t take his new, fifty-two inch, Sony flat screen, with the home theater surround sound and three ‘Mighty Mountain Mover’ sub-woofers.

Frankly, I think I’d prefer the peace and quiet of a nice woodland glade, where I can lie in my Kinkara Botanica Restspa burial shroud[2] with its delicate stripes, a posy of sweet peas over my heart, and the song of a nightingale to lull me to eternal rest.


Oh, darn, is that my phone ringing…..?

[1] “Bury me with my cell phone” MSNBC, December 16th 2008

[2] “Kinkaraco Green Burial Products”

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4 Replies to “Deader Than Your Cellphone”

  1. Curious, RJ! We can find no use for our cellphone while above ground. We keep one to take on road trips, in case of unexpected emergencies (which so far haven’t happened).
    Our “units” keep piling up as we are requred to fill up the darned thing annually. By the time we both shuffle off this mortal coil the phone will have billions of units, sufficient to keep the afterlife buzzing for centuries! 😉

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