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We should all respect our politicians more. After all, it takes talent to make it in government these days. Successful politicians need high levels of arrogance; a masters degree in contempt for those they represent; the ability to purloin large quantities of money and favors for doing very little, and above all the knack of making everyone else feel inferior.

Take Britain’s future prime minister, Gordon Brown, as an example.

Incidentally, never before has a candidate for the UK’s top job known in advance he/she is going to be elected. It says much for the quality of today’s British politicians that the democratic process has been upgraded to allow the outgoing prime minister to pick who will succeed him.

The present incumbent, Tony Blair, certainly possesses all the characteristics outlined above, in abundance, but in addition he displays a well-honed degree of deviousness others in the British parliament struggle to emulate. It is, perhaps, that special, extraordinary ability that has placed him head and shoulders above the rest during his last three terms in office, and allowed him to so purify the party electoral process that he was able to declare nine years ago – albeit tactfully – that the new leader would be Gordon Brown.

For his part, Brown is himself honing the skills he learned from watching Blair at work. His latest pronouncement will go down well with the traditional ‘roast-beef-and-two-veg-on-a-Sunday’ brigade – that gallant but ever-dwindling band of ethnically-cleansed, pure-bred, Englishmen who still believe the nation belongs to them and the “damned wogs” can “bloody well go home to Pakistan where they belong”. Any attempt to explain that most “wogs” are at least second generation British citizens, results in a glaze over the eyes and a look of “Dah! This does not compute”.

Never fear, Gordon is here, spurring his mighty charger to the rescue of these fair, white, Englishmen in distress.

Gordon Brown wants all immigrants to sweep the streets, clean public toilets, and trim fair, white, Englishmen’s hedges and lawns. This, he says, will “help them to settle” before becoming British citizens. He would truly like them to volunteer for these awe-inspiring tasks, but just in case they feel insufficiently qualified for such positions, Gordon is prepared to use the full force of law to persuade them otherwise.

Here, then, is a perfect example of Gordon Brown using all those qualifications a politician needs to succeed. His arrogance and contempt are only matched by an ability to instill in immigrants the sense of inferiority necessary for successful British citizenship.

Alas for Gordon, he’s still not quite devious enough for the position he expects to soon occupy. Announcing his intentions in advance allows his enemies to block them. They’ve already suggested his plans are “ill thought out” and “unworkable”.

Gordan needs to pay more attention to his mentor, Tony Blair.

Tony would have said nothing, silvered a few palms to ensure the legislation passed, and then announced it as a “fait accompli” at the next prime minister’s question time.

Pay more attention, Gordon!

Filed under: Special qualifications

Film director James Cameron must have been thrilled to discover the gullibility of Christian cinema audiences, following the huge success of such epics as “Passion of the Christ” and “The Da Vinci Code”.

While the former was specifically designed to ratchet an abundance of pious anguish from its audience, the latter was never hyped as more than a novel set to celluloid, but that didn’t stop the devoted from taking it to heart and behaving as though it was a faithful reproduction of historical fact.

Given the eagerness with which they leap upon any morsel however tasteless, to bolster this thing called “faith”, it leaves one wondering how much of it they really have, despite all the moaning, speaking-in-tongues, grabbing at low flying clouds, and other weirdo doings that regularly occur in and around churches every Sunday.

When Cameron was presented with the scenario of a recently discovered tomb in east Jerusalem in which reposed old limestone ossuaries containing not only the bones of Jesus, but a whole host of relatives, it must have seemed to the film maker like a dream come true.

Now, admittedly the photograph displayed by the BBC looks more like the polystyrene box used to protect my newly-arrived bread-making machine –

– but if archaeologists say its two thousand years old I’m happy to believe them.

No-one in their right mind, however, will accept Cameron’s claims as to the contents, which leaves around 100,000,000 Christians who will. Or, at least, they won’t be able to resist seeing the film, then arguing about it till the cows come home.

It’s ironic that Cameron should have directed the highly successful film, “Titanic”. Jesus had a lot in common with the old ship. Each had a short life, and then sank without trace until resurrected much later as artifacts for making tons of money.

Unlike the “Titanic”, however, we can be sure that the final resting place of Jesus will forever remain undiscovered.

A fact that won’t stop James Cameron from being the next to pocket the proceeds from the ongoing tale of the Nazarene carpenter.

Filed under: Gullible god lovers

The BBC is considering an apology to its website readers. This week it used the words “Dick Cheney” and “diplomacy” on the same page, while reporting the vice president’s visit to China.

After wooing the Chinese in a political style he has made all his own, Cheney moved on to Australia and his antipodean twin, John Howard. At least here he could relax in a more welcoming climate of friendship and cordiality:

After a ‘coupla tinnies’ round the pool, Dick thanked Australia in general, and John Howard in particular, for “never wavering on the war on terror”.

He said: “The United States appreciates it, and the whole world respects you for it.”

The whole world? Just who exactly is he referring to?

Seems to me the “whole world” – less the US administration of course – doesn’t give a kangaroo’s willy for anything Australia does or doesn’t do in the war on terror. In fact, to tell the truth, the whole world is heartily sick to the back teeth of Bush and Cheney’s little “War on Terror” game, and the only ones to show any support at all are a few demented politicians.

Talking of demented politicians naturally swings the circle back to Vice President Cheney. What is the matter with this man? He seems unable to relax and enjoy life. Is the bitter, twisted – slightly tormented? – look a deliberate act to disguise the purring, affectionate, pussy cat within, or has Dick’s life truly become a tortuous trail of snarls, grunts, and sneers?

Is it, perhaps, the torment of siring a lesbian daughter when he, himself, projects a moral code befitting Pope Innocent III:

“We strictly prohibit you, lawyers and notaries, from assisting in any way, by council or support, all heretics and such as believe In them, adhere to them, render them any assistance or defend them in any way.”

That quote was from Innocent’s Papal Bull, Si adversus vos, of 1205, which forbade any legal help for heretics. Reminiscent, perhaps, of the decrees put out by this administration – in which Cheney holds great authority – regarding those housed in the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center?

Or, maybe its the burden of guilt he carries for milking Americans of their hard-earned dollars, that is causing such facial distortions in the Vice President. Is there a clash between the harshly moralistic Cheney and the Cheney ego, forever condemned to duck and dive as it uses every trick it can conjure to wring another million dollars here, a billion or so there.

From CommonDreams.org 2003: “[However] of all the administration members with potential conflicts of interest, none seems more troubling than Vice President Dick Cheney. Cheney is former CEO of Halliburton, an oil-services company that also provides construction and military support services – a triple-header of wartime spoils.

A few weeks ago, the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers awarded a no-bid contract to extinguish oil well fires in Iraq to Kellogg Brown and Root (KBR), a subsidiary of Halliburton. The contract was granted under a January Bush administration waiver that, according to the Washington Post, allowed “government agencies to handpick companies for Iraqi reconstruction projects.”

The contract, which was not announced until more than two weeks after it was awarded, was open-ended, with no time limits and no dollar limits. It was also a “cost-plus” contract, meaning that the company is guaranteed to recover costs and then make a guaranteed profit on top of that. Its value is estimated at tens of millions of dollars……….. Cheney, who served as CEO from 1995 to 2000, continues to receive as much as $1 million a year in deferred compensation as Halliburton executives enjoy a seat at the table during Administration discussions over how to handle post-war oil production in Iraq.”

Sadly for Cheney, four years later the “post war oil production” is not yet ready to be “handled”, which may be another reason our Dick fails to achieve his ‘happiness and joy of life’ quota.

One has to wonder if all the hassle is really worth the stress.

After all, the battery in his pacemaker surely will not last forever.

Filed under: Sad people