BLOG POSTS

Reports today that Ann Coulter, the big-mouthed Barbie doll of the Republican party, has had her jaw wired in the shut position, after she broke it recently (or, maybe someone broke it for her?)^[1]

Ms Coulter is one of those Americans, of which both parties have their share, who’ve discovered a way to become infamous, and consequently a celebrity, by mouthing ignorant and inaccurate statements about their political opponents. It’s an American game that never ceases to confound the rest of the world by its immaturity and lack of any facet of intelligence.

We can only hope Ms Coulter remains orally challenged for the foreseeable future.

Across the pond, in Britain, a new advertising campaign is hoping the festive spirit will take note and carry a condom to all those office Christmas parties where, it seems, anything goes and the results can be disastrous:

The story, publicized in the UK’s notoriously hypocritical Daily Mail newspaper, asks whether this “crude ad” is really the best way to combat unwanted Xmas pregnancies – all, while displaying the lives, loves, and dirty washing of UK and US celebs, for the reader’s delectation.^[2]

To some Americans, the loose moral attitudes of the British are an anathema, but thankfully not all nations share the same narrow-minded, moralistic, interfering-in-other-people’s-lives, philosophy, so to those British males headed for the annual Christmas “do”, Sparrow Chat says, don’t forget to pack a ‘packet of three’, ‘cos you never know when you’ll need one.

And, while you’re at it, give thanks you’re not subject to the religiot morals of your cousins across the pond.

^{[1] “Ann Coulter’s jaw broken and will be wired shut” OregonLive.Com, November 25th 2008}

^{[2] “Is this crude ad really the best way to tackle unwanted pregnancies at Christmas?” Daily Mail, November 28th 2008}

Filed under: All about Thanksgiving

I can think of nothing worse than spending a whole day eating and drinking in the company of in-laws and relatives. I mean, just the thought of having my relations, and those of any of my ex-wives, (my present wife’s parents are no longer with us) in the same room, is reminiscent of a day in Hades with the Borgias and Genoveses.

Yet, this is something Americans do every year, and they at least pretend to enjoy it. “Relations” are considered sacrosanct to such an extent that at times the US appears like a nation of families Gambino.

Which begs the question: do they really enjoy it, or is it just an old tradition turned into something expected?

My guess is the latter.

Here in the mid-West, or the Heartlands, or the flatlands, or the asshole of the US, it’s a tradition probably better tolerated than elsewhere. After all, central Illinois is the epitome of that place where life originated for the sole purpose of eating. Within a radius of five hundred miles there’s absolutely nothing else to get out of bed for. Unless, one includes shopping, but that’s usually just a means to procure even greater amounts of sustenance.

On any Saturday afternoon between May and September, the air is thick with the odor of roasting flesh intermingled with the caustic fumes of burnt fat incinerated over countless barbecues. Even the ten thousand tonnes of poisonous pollution pumped into the atmosphere by ADM and Staley Sugar, pale into insignificance alongside the ritual weekly cow-cook that is the raison d’etre of most Illinois residents.

Consider the irony of a local law that forbids camp-fires on one’s own property – “it may cause an allergy alert or spark an asthma epidemic” (I kid you not!) – yet happily ignores the pollutants from two major, unregulated, industrial giants and the barbecue output from fifty thousand homes.

This evening, as the Thanksgiving holiday draws to a close, my wife and I give thanks for the wonder of isolation. We spent our vegetarian Thanksgiving with the best company to be found on the planet – each other. No animal was injured or killed in the making of our meal. No pollutants were released into the atmosphere, and our relatives enjoyed the occasion, or not, in the company of other relatives – well away from us.

We hope your Thanksgiving was as delightful, peaceful, free of argument and screaming kids, and as full of love and joy, as ours.

Filed under: Happy Holidays

As the eve of Thanksgiving is upon us, we pause a moment to think of the wealthy people of Mumbai, India, enduring the horrors of terrorism as armed thugs invade their five-star hotels and lay waste to the foie gras and Château de Chasselas.^[1]

How comforting for them, and for us, to be assured our respective American and British governments have lost no time in “condemning” the violence. British prime minister, Gordon Brown, was heard to suggest a rapid-reaction force be deployed, but an aide quickly whispered in his ear, reminding him we’d left the days of Empire behind, and the Indian armed forces must now deal with the problem unaided.

Meanwhile, at Bangkok Airport, protesters have prevented flights from leaving for the second day running.^[2] The BBC news this morning aired the grievances of one American gentleman, complaining to a female Thai airport official:

“Have you any idea of the tens of thousands of people whose plans you’ve screwed up? Tomorrow is a real big holiday in the States and many people will miss it because of some cockamamie little protest that you’ve got going.”

How terribly, terribly, American of him.

(Note: ‘cockamamie’: an Americanism – “ridiculous, pointless, or nonsensical”)

Meanwhile, at the US White House, George W Bush is much happier knowing the crimes and atrocities he’s been responsible for over the last eight years will not be coming home to roost. He can live out his retirement without fear of retribution. According to reports, he was today officially pardoned by a turkey.

A Happy Thanksgiving to all Sparrow Chat readers.

^{[1] “Mumbai rocked by deadly attacks” BBC, November 26th 2008}

^{[2] “Thai protesters shut down airport” BBC, November 26th 2008}

Filed under: What a wonderful world