GOOD-BYE
GOOD RIDDANCE
George W. Bush
Filed under: Historical failures
TOUGH
My name is Glot. Yes, I know it’s a silly name, but then it’s no worse than Elspeth Hogglethwight, or Damion Hogsnipple, now is it. Those are just two of many strange appellations I culled from your local telephone directories.
I have to say, I find your moon a most unwelcoming planetoid. It’s not my place to criticize, being as I’m only here to observe, but the moons of Alpha Cantari 32 and 33 are much more hospitable, with thoroughly modern facilities including a suite of Orobial massage parlors, and at least three Planktonium female pleasure instillers, and some damn fine Robostian cuisine kitchens to satisfy the most diligent of discerning taste buds; the beer’s pretty darn quaffable as well.
By comparison, what do we have here? A lump of Triassic rock without even a porta-potti, or a tree to pee behind.
Still, as already stated, I’m only here to observe, and my replacement will be along in three of your millennia, so it could be worse.
What am I doing here? Oh, we’ve been observing you ever since your planet first developed an atmosphere. Evolving lifeforms need to be monitored, especially when they reach the stage of evolution categorized as a “TtGE”.
That’s, “Threat to Galactic Environment”, of course.
Unfortunately, your planet was polluted by a rogue Hevenian some hundred, or so, millennia ago. Your species was in its early development and very sensitive to influence. The Hevenian, a corrupt ex-leader from the planet, Heva – take IGH36 and turn right at Betelgeuse, it’s on your left, past the third moon – was fleeing retribution and decided to take refuge on your planet. He wrought havoc, and eventually left after causing a huge flood – and other minor cataclysms – that virtually wiped out most of the evolving species, including your own.
The effects of his visit passed into your species’ collective memory. Within a few millennia it warped into what we call an ESMI, or “External Species Memory Impulse”. It’s not uncommon. The last planet to suffer in that way was Mitares III. It was doing really well till three teenagers from the Crab got drunk on Levithion carrot wine and took a joyride down to the surface. It was twenty-three millennia before the damage was negated. Even now, most of the populace just sit around all day and chant.
What’s that? What’s an ESMI?
I told you, it’s an “External Species Memory Impulse”. Not that you would know it as that. The name you have for it is, ‘Religion’.
Of course, the difference between your planet and Mitares III is that the dominant species on Mitares has always been peaceable. It never developed the brain structures that invited violence, or developed weaponry. Like certain of your own kind, they worship imaginary exterior beings – the Crab teenagers – whom they believe created them, but are happy to live off the land, in harmony with each other, unlike certain others I could mention.
Take the Orgarian Federation, for example. Now they’re a competitive lot. It’s likely they’d never have survived to maturity if their planet hadn’t suffered a cataclysmic volcanic eruption late in their evolutionary cycle, which annihilated most of them and scared the others half to death. It taught them a lesson. They’ve never fought each other since, and renounced all violence – except on the Scubary Field. The Orgarians love their Scubary games.
And then, of course, there’s you lot down there.
Frankly, I doubt I’ll be here one millennia, let alone three. I hope not. I’m not sure my bladder will hold out that long. Your planet is a classic case, you see. We call it “ESMI Fragmentation”. Your “TtGE” level is already nine point two, and the scale only goes to ten.
The situation is very common. According to the Galactic Records Office, only three out of every ten planets with evolving species ever make it to maturity. The species self-destruct and the planet reverts to being a barren lump of rock, a bit like this moon, really.
ESMI Fragmentation occurs when the dominant species splits into different tribes, and, instead of evolving away from such primitive notions, becomes more and more fragmented. They end up hating each other. The ESMI of each tribe develops differently. Consequently, they never agree on anything the external entity they worship said, did, or even if it is the same being. Eventually, they either end up like the Mitarians, and sit around gazing dreamily at the sky all day, or stockpile a huge load of weaponry and blow each other, and their planet, to bits.
It’s known as Termination Of Unilateral Galactic Husbandry, or “TOUGH”. It’s the last thing I write on my report sheet before closing my observations and going home.
Judging by the state of your planet it won’t be long in happening. Observations over the last millenia have shown an alarming increase in the violent confrontations between tribes. Of all your landmasses, only two are relatively free of violent pugilistic encounters, and then only because they’re covered with ice and inhospitable to life for your species. But that’s changing. Your planet’s become poisoned. Your climate is heating. It’s quite normal, and happens in almost all cases of ESMI Fragmentation combined with a high incidence of species inter-violence.
I’m afraid it’s irreversible. According to the GRO’s statistics, no species has ever reached maturity from this point. It’s all fairly typical, I’m afraid. The planet heats up; sustenance becomes scarce; violent interactions over land ownership reach a high level and finally, either the planet erupts and destroys the atmosphere, or one of the species leaders breaks its programming and commences nuclear annihilation.
Another failure, I’m afraid. Still, as the saying goes, one can’t win them all. I’ll hang on a bit longer, just to record the endgame and sign off my report for your creator, Professor Musetuni, at the Galactic University. He won’t be happy, but it’s what he expected. We’ve had lots of failures with these types of atmospheres. O2/N/CO2 combinations always work well at first, but seem to cause problems as the experiment progresses. We’ve generally had more success with helium/methane atmospheres. I think that’s the way Prof Musetuni will be looking in future. He’ll probably order early termination of 59736/B Sector 19W.
Creator? Experiment?
Oh, didn’t I mention? We’ve been experimenting with atmospheres for millenia now. It’s part of the Galactic research project. Creating planets with different atmospheres is what we do. It’s part of our research. You’re number 59736/B Sector 19W.
Hopefully, I’ll be home before my bladder starts complaining too much. Now, where’s that flask of Levithion carrot wine? I could do with a nip. It’s bloody cold on this barren moon.
Filed under: Endgame
People of Peace Or Children Of Israel?
It’s a touching moment. Two friends embrace warmly before signing a declaration to end the war in Gaza.
The only problem is that Hamas is absent, and one of the parties is not at war – at least, not in Gaza.
So, one must ask, why is the US Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, signing an agreement with Tzipi Livni to stop the war?
Part of the agreement is to ensure smuggling of rockets into Gaza cannot be resumed once the Israeli army pulls back. This will require some form of international force on the border to prevent new tunnels being dug, and to check all traffic in and out of Gaza for potential contraband. Is the US preparing to send troops to Israel for this purpose? It seems unlikely. With two war fronts already, the US can ill afford to send more of its military to police the Gaza Strip.
America’s involvement seems to be nothing more than an “all pals together” meeting. After all, Tzipi Livni can now go home knowing she has the support of the nation with the most powerful military in the world behind her.
In reality, that doesn’t mean much. The truth is that Israel, with its modern military, just took on a band of resistance fighters with a few machine guns, mortars, and homemade rockets. Its politicians may be strutting about like local farmyard cocks, preening themselves, and declaring victory in time for national elections, but if Israel’s leaders really believe they have beaten Hamas then they’re decidedly myopic.
To the rest of the world, Israel has once again declared its callous indifference to the slaughter of civilians en masse, the massacre of children, and the committing of war crimes copied from its big brother, America, in a vain attempt to quash resistance to its determination to hold onto Palestinian lands seized in 1967.
Let us not forget, the bulk of families existing in Gaza today are the descendants of refugees forced from their homes during the ethnic cleansing of 1948.
Yes, it was a long time ago. A long time to be wandering in the wilderness, living in refugee camps, and with no access to the outside world, continually under the thumb of a military occupation.
Israel and America today signed a Memorandum of Understanding; an outline agreement for the prevention of arms smuggling into Gaza from Egypt. Hamas, democratically elected to power as the Palestinian government, use the rockets in their fight for freedom from an Israel that, along with the US and Europe, refused to recognize the legitimacy of the Hamas government.
Will there be peace in the Middle East on these terms?
No, of course not, and neither Israel nor the US believes it. The real truth is that the Israeli government, and the administration of George W Bush, consider the Palestinians expendable. They’re surplus to requirements. Much as Olmert, Livni and crew – and a large majority of the Israeli people – wish they would just go away and not bother them any more, its obvious they’re not going to. So, until the Palestinians agree to whatever Israel demands, it’ll keep them penned in ghettos and refugee camps where they can be controlled. When they get out of hand, as has happened in Gaza, its a relatively easy matter to bomb them into submission again.
Israel has no desire whatever to commit to a two state solution in the region. Why should it? After all, to do so would mean giving up large tracts of land in the West Bank, land already occupied by Israeli settlements that continue to expand even while peace negotiations are under way. The philosophy is to keep the Palestinians subjugated, they are after all reliant totally on the Israelis for their welfare, and beat them up once in a while when they become too militant.
It’s a situation that will continue indefinitely so long as the United States supports Israel in its militaristic stance. How long that’s likely to continue will depend on the influence of AIPAC (American Israel Public Affairs Committee) remaining strong with the US government. It’s unlikely to wane in the foreseeable future.
Will a President Barack Obama champion the Palestinian cause against the Israelis?
It’s about as likely as the Pope converting to Islam. After all, the first person Obama named for his administration was Rahm Emanuel, his Chief of Staff. Emanuel comes from a long line of Jewish militants. The family took its surname to honor an uncle, Emanuel Auerbach, who was killed by Arabs during a skirmish in Jerusalem long ago. Rahm’s father was an active member of Irgun, responsible for the bombing of the King David Hotel in Jerusalem in 1946, and the Deir Yassin massacre in 1948. Irgun was named as an Israeli terrorist organization by the New York Times, the Times of London, and the BBC, among others.
Emanuel’s background bodes ill for Palestine. Nevertheless, whilst a devout orthodox Jew, he and his family are members of Anshe Sholom B’nai Israel, a modern orthodox congregation in Chicago. The name means “People of Peace – Children of Israel”.
It remains to be seen whether the advice he gives Obama on the Middle East conflict reflects “People of Peace”, or the blatantly militant, “Children of Israel”.
Filed under: Gaza