Heaven? Not If I Can Help It!

Surprise, surprise! The Church of England is once more attempting to be the arbiter of morals for the human race. As if the loony, right-wing, evangelical lot in the US are not bad enough, we now have to suffer the C of E in its latest, right-wing, pious report, telling us…

…that sex belongs only within heterosexual marriage, and that sex in gay or straight civil partnerships “falls short of God’s purpose for human beings”. Guardian 23/01/20

So, no sex unless it’s within a heterosexual marital relationship that’s been sanctified by a C of E clergyman, or God’s going to be a bit miffed with you. No Heaven for you, mate. You’ll not get to sit on His right-hand for eternity, watching angels flapping from cloud to cloud.

If that’s so, God must be more than a bit miffed. He must be bloody furious with most of the human race. Okay, who’s pressed the ‘pause’ button on his favourite porno channel to read this? Own up now! You know He’s watching you!

Is there anyone left in this so-called ‘civilised’ world who actually believes this crap these pious plonkers churn out? Yes, of course there are, millions of them; poor, sad, individuals who still believe the human race is in some weird way ‘special’ to an invisible deity who’ll let them live forever so long as he judges them suitable.

How do the comically dressed bishops, with their silly hats and bloody great ruby rings, know that their God is miffed because George Smith is knocking off his neighbour’s wife, or Sally Jones is shacking up with Natasha Stubinski, the Polish gay woman from the Polski sklep on the corner? Has their God ever really discussed the matter with them? If not in person, then perhaps by phone or internet. Surely, there’s at least 5G in Heaven?

Still, Armageddon’s coming. Perhaps He’s pissed off after all? He did say He’d not drown us all this time, given that Noah had such a hard time building that bleedin’ great boat. I guess it’ll be fire. He’s been practicing on California and Australia. Well, He has to get it right first time when it happens. Greta Thunberg will be one of the first to go. He won’t tolerate those who try to thwart his plans. Trump and Pence, and that nice Mister Pompeo, will be welcomed in Heaven, though. And, all the C of E bishops and the evangelical nutters from the US.

Oh, dear God! I couldn’t stand eternity with that lot. Please, God, let me go to the Fiery Lake!

One Reply to “Heaven? Not If I Can Help It!”

  1. Groan!! Love your take on this, though RJ. I hadn’t read about this idiocy elsewhere. I’d always thought that C of E was a tad more sensible on these issues.

    Jesus told us to “Love one another.” He did not add, “but no fooling around if you’re not heterosexual or with someone other than the person with whom you share a legal contract blessed by Dog. ” TSK!!

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