Month: July 2008

The British prime minister, Gordon Brown, has reached a new low in opinion polls. Instead of leading his country, he seems more inclined to follow slavishly the route of his predecessor, Tony Blair, in attempting international fame and recognition at the expense of the needs of his voters at home.

Brown has just been handed a perfect method to redress that balance, but it’s extremely unlikely he has the balls sufficient to do so.

Politicians can be thoroughly reliable when it comes to avoiding issues. By a process of pontification and verbal hedging they frequently sidestep specifics and leave one wondering just exactly where they’re coming from. Nevertheless, after reading a recent report of the British parliamentary foreign affairs committee, few can harbor doubt that the British government has reached the unequivocal conclusion that when George W Bush categorically stated to the world, “America does not do torture”^[1], he was lying.

No British politician, with the possible exception of George Galloway, would ever risk calling the American president a full blown fibber, of course. The US/UK ‘Special Relationship’ is far too politically sensitive for that, but this report comes as close as it’s possible to get without causing a serious rift, given George W Bush is fading gradually away into the twilight of his incumbency.^[2]

Unfortunately, even this damning report is unlikely to alter anything.

Special relationships are all well and good, but most of us at sometime in our lives have had a close friend, or lover, go sour on us. To do nothing and pretend all is well just leaves a festering resentment. Usually it’s better to make a clean break, walk away, even though the pain of separation may be hard to bear for a while.

If prime minister Gordon Brown is keen to remain in the position bequeathed to him by Tony Blair, and right now his chances of doing so past the next general election seem slim at best, he should act on this report in the only honorable manner possible.

Informing the US administration that the British people find its inhumane methods unacceptable, followed by an announcement that, until America recovers the honor and integrity once its proud heritage, the ‘Special Relationship’ is suspended, would not only show the rest of the world that Britain wasn’t afraid to stand up for its principles, but would engender sufficient support from the British people to ensure Gordon Brown a landslide victory in 2010.

^{[1] “US does not torture, Bush insists” BBC, November 7th 2005}

^{[2] ” UK ‘must check’ US torture denial” BBC, July 19th 2008}

Filed under: Principles

“Thank you for calling the Power Company. Your custom is extremely important to us. Please listen carefully to the following menu……”

We’ve all had it happen to us. A sudden emergency; we reach for the phone, only to by stymied by an automated message that presents us with a menu we can’t remember full of suggestions that are of no use in solving our immediate predicament.

Last night, at exactly 9.09 pm, we were plunged into Stygian darkness when some plonker at the power company decided it would be fun to throw a switch and cut power to ‘Section 31’.

‘Section 31’ is a small group of residential properties on the outskirts of town, that just happens to include ‘chez Adams’.

The weather was balmy; the night was warm. There was no reason on the goddamn planet for a power outage, yet ‘Section 31’ was suddenly denuded of light, cast into the blackness, an outcast from the world of fluorescent joy and gay, twinkling, effulgence enjoyed by everyone else in this mid-Illinois conurbation, other than the unfortunate residents of ‘Section 31’.

You see, it’s not the first time. This was the third occasion in four days that power has suddenly died, only to be reinstated within a few minutes, or even a couple of seconds. Their excuse is always the same: transformer failure.

It’s what their automated voice tells you:

“Our engineers are aware of a problem in Section 31 due to a transformer failure, and are working to rectify the fault. Power restoration is expected within five minutes.”

Only, we ‘Section 31’ residents all know its not a transformer failure. Transformers don’t fail for a few seconds then repair themselves. Oh, no! We residents of ‘Section 31’ know we are the fall guys.

When the heavy industry to the east of town needs more power, and the densely populated areas to the south and north turn up their air conditioning, it places an enormous strain on a power grid dating from the era of Thomas Jefferson. Something has to give, and what gives is ‘Section 31’.

In the main power control room the cry goes out: “Overload!”

In a flash, the supervisor assesses the situation, sees the problem and barks the order, “Shut down Section 31.”

The switch is thrown and ‘chez Adams’, together with a couple of dozen other properties, finds itself transformed in a millisecond from a cosy, humming, domicile to a dead, dark, silent tomb.

Of course, the power company would argue – if the power company deigned to argue at all, which it doesn’t – that it’s most important to keep the industry and heavily populated business areas supplied, rather than a few old codgers watching television or playing video games on their computers.

I disagree. What’s more, I’d tell them so if I could only speak to something that actually drew breath. First of all, I pay the same rate for power as anyone else in this god-awful town, so I’m entitled to equal priority. Second, my computer is just as likely to corrupt its files during a power outage as those of the Archer Daniel Midland Corporation or the Tate & Lyle Sugar Refinery.

And third, it plays havoc with Arnold.

But can I get through to a human being at the power company? No, of course I can’t ……

What? Who’s Arnold?

Ah, well, during the summer Arnold lives and works in the backyard. He needs a constant supply of electricity in order to do his job. When the power goes out, Arnold downs tools and won’t do a tap till I go out and boot him into action once more.

Only, during a central Illinois summer, no-one ventures out into their yard after dark. A night out in the Amazon jungle is more appealing than even a minute or two outside in a central Illinois backyard mid-summer.

Consequently, if Arnold stops work after dark due to a power outage, it’s next morning before anyone risks booting him into action again.

Still, as I was saying, if I could only manage to contact someone down the power company other than that darned machine, I’d tell ’em…….

What? What does Arnold do?

Why, Arnold’s a Mosquito Magnet. You see, that’s the reason most central Illinois residents won’t step outside their yard door after dark: mosquitoes. We’ve got mosquitoes bigger than bald eagles flying around out there, and Arnold does a great job of vacuuming them up. Well, that is, so long as the power keeps flowing. As soon as it cuts out, so does Arnold. It means a trip down the yard to boot him up again once the power’s back on, and there ain’t no-one’ll do that after dark.

Still, eventually, I’ll succeed in getting through to one of them bigwigs in person down the power company, and when I do he’ll get a right piece of my mind. We folks in ‘Section 31’ have as much right to power as anyone else in this town and…….

What? Why’s a Mosquito Magnet called Arnold?

Geez! Are you dumb! Because it’s an Exterminator. Right? You know – Arnold, the Exterminator……?

And that’s what I’ll do to that bigwig down the power company, one of these days……if I can ever get past that bloody automated machine……

Filed under: Customer disservice

Way back in March of this year, in a small town in Kansas, it was discovered that a woman had been sitting on her boyfriend’s toilet seat for two years, without ever getting off.^[1] I mention it because it’s a story I’ve only just noticed, and while reading the facts one thought that recurred was, “Did the boyfriend have his legs crossed all that time.”

It’s difficult to find much in the news that’s worthy of comment these days. Perhaps one of the most obvious titbits has been the New Yorker’s cover cartoon of the Obamas, with its resultant public and media furore, but even that is hardly worthy of serious discussion.

Was the New Yorker right to publish? Yes. Was it in bad taste? Well, that would depend on your taste.

Perhaps the greatest indictment should not be of the New Yorker, but of ourselves, for taking it and twisting it into a political event. After all, this nation is supposed to be all about freedoms, but whenever anyone exercises those freedoms it seems the whole nation is consumed by wrath and indignation.

There’s an equal outpouring of disagreement over the International Criminal Court’s decision to charge Sudan’s dictator president, Omar al-Bashir, with genocide. While most sane people don’t argue his guilt – Bashir’s government makes the Saddam Hussein regime look like followers of Mother Theresa – the contretemps is over the timing, and whether Sudanese repercussions might endanger UN peacekeepers.

Perhaps the UN should have considered that back in 2005 when it originally referred the matter to the ICC? Since when has justice been something to be deferred until more convenient?

Still, we can rely on the great U.S of A. to swing its political muscle behind the ICC. Oh…. no, we can’t. George W Bush and his merry band refuse to recognize international justice – unless it’s dispatched from the bomb bay of an A10, of course.

I think we’ve all had enough of this economy business. It’s time to turn it off and get back to normal. After all, it isn’t real. Phil Gramm said so, and he should know, he’s a senator. We’re all just whining over nothing. So what if gas is over four dollars, Fanny Mae refuses you that loan for a Big Mac, and cows have set up their own Milk Marketing Board to cut out the middlemen?

There’s one positive note to the economic downturn: we’ve all learned not to blame anyone. No-one’s pointing a finger. It’s true the FBI are feeling the collars of a few small-fry businessmen for shady practices, but in the true spirit of pulling together for the good of all, no-one in America is asking, “Who’s responsible?”

Perhaps the reason no-one’s asking is because the answer is so obvious. All you have to do is look back at the figures. In March 2002, the economy was doing fine. Oil was under $23 a barrel^[2]. Then, in early 2003, something happened that caused the price to jump by ten dollars a barrel. Over the next few years it climbed steadily as the dollar weakened against international currencies, driving the price of oil higher and higher.

Now, let me see, what did happen in early 2003……….. nope, blowed if I can remember……

Finally, the best news item of the week for me – and one that provides a (very) weak and tenuous hook to my leader paragraph – was last Tuesday’s BBC report claiming that the ‘Presidential Memorial Committee of San Francisco’ was preparing to honor President George W Bush on his retirement from office, by naming a sewage works after him.^[3]

Committee organizer Brian McConnell said:

“It’s important to remember our leaders in the right historical context.”

Occasionally, you read something that just makes you feel better.

^{[1] “Woman sits on boyfriend’s toilet for 2 years” MSNBC, March 12th 2008}

^{[2] “Historical Crude Oil Prices (Table)” InflationData.com}

^{[3] “Group seeks Bush sewage ‘tribute'” BBC, July 8th 2008}

Filed under: Shit by any other name